We have obtained the following fake transcript of an utterly fictitious conference call between Barack Obama, Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chávez.
[Begin Transcript]
Barack Obama: Good morning. We have on the phone the Supreme Leader of the DPRK
Kim Jong-Il: Mr. President, Dear Leader is fine. And I received your letter last week. Thank you for including the Obama "change the world" t-shirt. I'm going to wear it in my latest film. It's about my epic life. I've kidnapped all the best talent in Asia for supporting cast. Did you know that a double rainbow and a bright star appeared over the mountaintop when I was born? I'm the sun of my nation.
Obama: I've read that. Ok. Let's get started. Also on the line are President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran and President Hugo Chávez of Venezuela.
Hugo Chávez: Hello Barack! Did you read the book I gave you?
Obama: Not yet. But thank you. Ok gentlemen, it's late
— 2:50 a.m.Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: It's only 2:50 in Washington. Imperialist. And that's not a big deal. I launch Sajjil-2 missiles with my eyes close at that time. Really, I did the other day. Closed my eyes.
Obama: Let's not talk of missiles. I wanted to speak to all of you before our New Year
—
Jong-Il: Yes, you promised to visit us.
Obama: Not exactly
—Jong-Il: No! You did. I watch YouTube! I have the transcript from the 2007 primary debate. You were asked if you'd, "meet separately, without precondition, during the first year of your administration ... with the leaders of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Cuba and North Korea." You replied, "I would." But you don't. You pal around with us terrorists. We cheer your candidacy, and all I have is this lousy Obama t-shirt!
Obama: Look, I screwed up. I changed that statement during the general election, however.
Ahmadinejad: Oh, I hear you. I always talk crazy. I call for the destruction of Israel. Everyone makes a big deal. Luckily, western left does not take me seriously. Except, when I spoke at your Columbia University of how, "In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country." Your political left was upset. But comments about destruction of Zionist nation, not so much.
Obama: Was it Howard Dean who was upset? He's on my case now.
Jong-Il: You should imprison Dean.
Obama: If only
Ahmadinejad: Death to Israel! Death to America!
Chávez: Mahmoud! It's just us here. What are you doing?
Ahmadinejad: Sorry. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei walked by. I have to sound like a pitbull.
Obama: With lipstick? Nevermind. Let me just say
—Chávez: Mahmoud, I told you when we last saw each other, don't let Khamenei bully you.
Jong-Il: Saw each other. You always exclude me! I help your nuclear program
—Chávez: Kim, sorry. We're close friends. I have made six trips to Iran. We walk, hold hands and talk about serving the people by destroying democratic movements. The green revolution!
Ahmadinejad: Ahem, there was no green revolution. Those young people were Zionist agents.
Obama: Look, we know they were Iranians. I publicly held my tongue as a gesture. I'm making gestures. No more "axis of evil." No more "war on terror."
Ahmadinejad: Enough already, we get it, you're not Bush
— But you talk gestures. You don't visit. You never call. You've hardly written. And now you wrote Kim a letter.Obama: You told everyone about my earlier letter. These things must be kept quiet. ... We're off subject. Let me be clear: we need Iran to send 1,200 kilograms of your low-enriched uranium to Russia in one batch. Delays make me look bad. And then you say you'll enrich uranium to a far higher level. I need change I can believe in.
Jong-Il: That was a good line, by the way. But it's delay and enrich. Mahmoud learned from me. Now you're scared of me. Like a little baby. It's why you're also afraid of going big into Pakistan to get Osama, because Pakistan has the bomb too. And yes, I helped there too.
Obama: Is that true Mr. Ahmadinejad, are you delaying to get the bomb?
Ahmadinejad: No.
Obama: Cool.
Phone operator: Mr. President, we have an emergency breakthrough from the Salahis.
Obama: Get the Salahis off the line. How do I know I can trust you Mr. Ahmadinejad? I need verification.
Ahmadinejad: You're just like Bush!
Obama: No I'm not. I trust you. But to get crazy Cheney off my back, I need verification. You must deescalate or we'll pass another UN resolution. Maybe really push sanctions, cut your ties with banks.
Ahmadinejad: Blah blah. The bomb will change everything. And we have China and Russia on Security Council. You won't act without the group. Too Bush like. And once we have bomb you will treat us well. Perhaps I will get one of those Obama t-shirts.
Jong-Il: This is why your Afghan war is good. In early 2003, Bush-Cheney was fixated on Iraq to get WMDs. That's when we made our big moves and got our WMDs. I know strategy. I've been doing this since you were a socialist worker in Chicago, Mr. President
—Obama: That's community organizer.
Chávez: Mahmoud, stop. Remember what Michael Moore told me. We must speak nicely. Say how we are filled with hope.
Jong-Il: Moore wrote your last UN speech, Hugo, and nothing for me? Moore even said on television you two drank tequila in a Venice Film Festival hotel room. Moore never visits me in my hotel room.
Obama: This conversation is going nowhere. I need a firm gesture from you.
Ahmadinejad: Ah. Your end of year deadline for us to show a "good-faith effort." I thought, no preconditions. I cannot meet your deadline.
Obama: Oh well, not even Democrats sweat my deadlines. But I'm a Nobel laureate now. I'm joking. Hold on. ... Bernie Sanders, Howard Dean and Keith Olbermann are outside the White House gates, calling my plan a sellout. They're actually protesting me. Joe Biden is now tossing eggs at them. And I'm getting nowhere with you Mr. Ahmadinejad. It's 3 a.m. and cold and this is a mess.
Jong-Il: I told you, imprison them.
Obama: Hillary!
[End Transcript]
