Friday, October 2, 2009

Sexual orientation is flexible, right?

Marriage – I want to marry three men, 6 women, 4 children ages ranging from 6 to 10, two dogs and a mule. And I want insurance and benefits for all of them. You don’t like it, hate crime!!! Go to jail, get fined.


Hey everyone, this is my coming out notice. I have decided to CHANGE MY GENDER! (We all know from the many great organizations out there that our gender is not fixed! NOW, HRC, ACLU, Planned Parenthood, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, even Barack Hussien Obama, and so many more…)

Hoorah for me!

I am no longer to be considered a monogamous heterosexual male. From this point on, I am to be recognized as a Para-sexual. You will love me and must accept me for who I truly see myself to be.

What, you never heard of a Para-sexual? No I am not homosexual. No, I am not BI-sexual. Quit trying to limit my freedoms!

I want to have a loving, multidirectional, multifaceted relationship with the ones I choose to love.

These are:

Male: Steve, Jack and John
Female: Judy, Jane, Elizabeth, Sally, Erica and Hillary
Children: Peter (male age 7), Jonathon (male age 9), Samantha (female age 10) and Jill (female age 9)
Canis familiaris: Spot (male age 3, Doberman) and Fife (female age 1 ½, frecnh poodle)
Mule: Pedro (age 7)

We plan on a big happy wedding ceremony; all of my best friends will be invited. Barack, Hillary, Ted, Barbara B., Feinstein. You know the crowd. (Great people. Oh that Ted is a kicker at parties when he starts getting juiced up!)

We deserve to have a happy legal marriage and all the benefits that come with it.

  • We deserve full medical and dental insurance, as well as other normal benefits, from our employers for our entire family.
  • Hospitals must allow me to make decisions and visitations for all of my family.
  • We must be allowed to jointly adopt new children, pets and livestock.
  • We must be allowed public housing on universities.
  • My entire family must be considered surviving partners if one of us doesn’t have a will and dies.

We demand all school children be taught, from preschool through college graduation, that we are a normal loving family. They must be forcibly taught that anyone who disagrees with our family’s lifestyle is terrible, hurtful, hateful bigots that should be locked away from decent people. We deserve not be protected from bullying and name-calling.

We demand that we have equal representation for the Para-sexual on all aspects television, radio, movie and print. This means at least 5 prime time sitcoms, 3 to 5 major motion pictures per season, and daily mention in the news media.

If American idol does not find one of our very talented Para-sexual's to the THE American idol, they must be thoroughly chastised in the press, and maybe sued by our great friends over at the ACLU.

Para-sexual must become a protected lifestyle. We must not be discriminated against in any way. Laws must be passed protecting us from anyone who disagrees with us. Our liberty is at stake!

Our family unit is larger than most, so we will fall well below the government described poverty line. Due to this, we deserve (and demand) equal access to child care, Medicare, welfare, unemployment, food stamps and any other wonderful social program we find out there that will give us what we deserve: free money.

Your churches must also accept us. We will not allow intolerance from the pulpit. Any church that does not immediately and wholeheartedly accept us into their congregation will have their leaders arrested for hate crimes against us. We don’t care that God says what we are doing is SIN… we love each other. Isn’t God all about LOVE??? You best be LOVING us or we will get the government to make you, religious God fearing bigots!

Your Church leaders better step up and get ready for some BIG weddings. When we come down the aisle, it is a true parade!

So, now I am out of the closet.

Are you loving me? Are you respecting me?

No? [Screams: Hey ACLU, we got another one we can sue! Send in the litigators and make sure our bank account can handle another couple hundred grand from this reader!]